{Garden}

Spring is in the air and I've been dreaming of a beautiful oasis

Like a nice sitting area with a beautiful trellis creating privacy

Or this beautiful little garden....I've been thinking about growing this outside Reid's window...It starts out small but I think it would be worth it in the end :) (It's a preplanned butterfly and hummingbird garden.)

And this....LOVE

And the azalea's...I really don't think it is possible to have to have too many azaleas in your yard.

Ahhhh...I'm swooning...If anyone has tips on how to create this...I'm all ears!

But I started with this :) You see...I don't exact have a green thumb....Fingers crossed it works out :)

I found all images via Pinterest. Sources unknown. 

{A letter to Reid}

I've been debating whether or not to share this here but for me part of healing is sharing. I think everyone finds a certain way to grieve and I have found comfort knowing that my words have helped others. I cannot thank each person enough who has taken the time to leave a comment, send me an email or who has just simply taken the time to read. I really appreciate it. 

This is a letter that I wrote to Reid for the support group that my husband and I have been attending. Honestly, I was terrified to write it and I was even more terrified to share it with my group. But after I felt a sense of calmness within....a sense of peace. 

This is one of my favorite photos. One I will cherish forever. (www.michellecphoto.com)

Dear Reid,

My sweet boy.

You know life is funny. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I knew you were my boy and I knew you were special. I don’t know how to explain it I just knew. And I was so excited. I would have my little boy! Your dad and I struggled with deciding on a name for you. It took us almost 5 whole months but looking back I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are our Reid Andrew...our warrior. 

It has been a little over 7 weeks since we first saw your face. So much anxiety and so many emotions lead us to that day. It was the most perfect, most nightmarish day. We were so excited. Our boy....our precious, beautiful baby boy was here. You were seriously the epitome of beautiful. Such full, soft, dark brown hair. Perfectly smooth, ivory skin. The most adorable nose in the whole world and you had the most beautifully, crooked little feet that I have ever seen. It was also the day that we realized all of the unknowns from the last few months were turning into our worst nightmare. You were very, very sick my boy. I longed to hold you, to kiss you, to be with you. When I first saw you I held your hand and you open your eyes. You looked right at me.Right into my heart. We became a part of each other forever at that very moment.  

We watched you fight for 4 days. Four glorious days that we were able to share with you. Days that will forever be a part of us. 

I think my heart hurts most when your big sister talks about you. She loves you so much Reid and I see so much of you in her. You look just like her and I feel blessed that each time I see her face I see you... Averee loves to pray to you and she tells almost everyone that “Baby Reid is in heaven...with Jesus.” She is proud of you. She is proud to be your big sister and I am proud to be your mother. 

You have changed me Reid Andrew and I hope that because of you I will be a better person. Your tiny little life touched so many. You left your perfectly, crooked little footprint on so many hearts. 

I often wonder what you would sound like, what your smile would be like, what your favorite color would be. I wonder how my heart would melt the first time you said “I love you Mommy”. I wonder if you would have been stubborn just like your big sister....always fighting for your independence. I wonder if you know how much I love you. 

The only question that does not find me is how proud I am to call you my son. I am proud of you and I will always be. I will always be thankful for you. 

I struggle with my “new” world. Knowing that I will never get to hold you or kiss you again here on earth. Knowing that I will never be ignorantly blissful again. And I struggle with all those who are still “blissful.” I struggle with all the unanswered questions. With the ache in my heart and when I see the ache in your daddy and your sisters heart. And I struggling knowing that no matter what I do I can’t have you in my arms.

I truly thought I understood what pure, unconditional love felt like before you came into my life but I don’t think anyone can really understand until they have to let go. The day your Daddy and I had to say goodbye...The day we had to give you to the angels was the day I learned the most important lesson of my life. I learned how to be grateful. It is something I thought I had mastered a long time ago but that day I realized that there are so many people who never got to met you, who don’t know the pride of being your mommy, who never get to know the joy of having their own child and who never get to see the amazing power of God. He really blessed us with you. He chose your Daddy and I to be your parents. He chose us to learn about this unconditional love. The kind of love that knows no boundaries. That can move oceans. Can touch hearts. He chose us. 

I hear your song often and your sister requests for me to sing her “baby brother’s” song most nights before bed. I miss dancing with you each time it plays. I miss keeping you safe. Feeling your sweet kicks with each sway. Each time I hear your song...it brings me back to you. 

One of the gifts we received after you left us was a little wooden heart, with a hole craved out that holds a picture of you. I think that is the best way to put it....You are the hole that is in my heart. A hole that I am grateful for because without it I never would have had you. A hole that I will keep with me forever. 

My sweet boy. You will always be a part of our family. A part of our hearts and a part of our soul. You will always be our first boy...our first son. We will carry you with us for the rest of our lives.

I love you Reid Andrew. Forever and for always. Thank you for being my son. 

Love,

Mommy

{Valentine}

I thought I'd share with you some Valentine Card's I've been working on! Let me know what you think!

{Grandparents}

I think a lot of times when someone loses a child all the focus goes to the parents of that baby.

How awful it must be for the mommy and daddy to live without their baby (and it is). How their hearts must hurt...All...the...time.

I think it is important to remember though... the baby has Grandparents.

Imagine this...You child tells you they are going to have a baby. You're so excited. You start preparing because you are going to be a Grandma or Grandpa. You are going to get to spoil your grand baby...snuggle them when mommy and daddy need a break, play with them, feed them lots and lots of cookies. You are so excited because you remember the joy of having a baby and you are so happy because your child gets to experience that joy.

You tell everyone you know that you are going to be a grandparent. You help your baby prepare for theirs. You tell them stories about when they were little. You remember how wonderful it was to hold your baby.

But then things change. Things go wrong. You child tells you that their baby is sick. You think..."How can my baby's baby be sick? This is not what I planned for." And then it happens. Your grand baby is gone.

Sometimes I think it must be so much harder to be the grandparent of a baby in heaven. Not only did they lose their grand baby....their future...their joy. They lost the innocence of their child. They have to watch as their baby cries...as their baby's heart breaks.

You try so hard to fix it because that is what you have always done. You have always been able to fix things for your baby. But you quickly realize you can't. You can't take this pain away from your baby. You can't take this pain away from your heart.

So sometimes I think it is harder to be the grandparent. And I sometimes I think they would agree.


I should also add that my children are very blessed. They have the very best grandparents in the world and Ian and I have the very best parents. They have stood by our side since September (OK for really our whole lives!). They have cried with us...they have comforted us. And I wish that we could comfort them. All I can say is thank you. Thank you for being the very, very best mommy and daddy and for showing us how to do the same.

{Uninvited}

Grief.


It can follow many things. Really...it can follow any type of loss. The loss of a job, the loss of a marriage or in my case the lose of a child.


I did not ask for grief. I did not invite it into my heart. I didn't have a choice. But when grief finds you...you must make a decision. My decision? To embrace it. 


It is very tempting to want to 'hate' grief,
to see it as the enemy, the unwelcome guest.
Instead, try opening yourself to grief...
ask it what it has to teach you.
Ask it what it is training you to do, to be.
Ask this uninvited teacher into your life
and notice how things being to shift.
Remember that grief never ask you to let go of love.
~Ashley Davis Prend


Through my grief I have decided to love deeper. How? I am learning to embrace even the smallest of things. I am learning to hold my baby girl a little closer, I am learning to tell her her brother's story. I am learning to make sure my husband knows that I appreciate him. That I love him more now then I ever thought possible. I am learning that even though I have been hurt by others(unintentionally of course) as I grieve that they are trying and they are just as lost as I am. I am learning that there is no guidebook for life...there is no guidebook for life without your baby. 


I did not ask grief to join my life and although I wish I could say that I have two children here on earth the fact is I don't. But I will do anything I can to make my baby boy and my little lady proud of me. I will do anything I can to make sure they know they are loved...know that they are important. I will do whatever it takes to be more passionate about life. To stop worrying about the what ifs and whys. I will learn to accept that there is a great plan for me and my family. That God is great. That he will guide us down this path...that he will never sway from us. 


I will never understand why Ian and I were chosen to be Reid's parents...the mommy and daddy of a baby in heaven. But I will always be grateful. I will open myself to this grief because by opening myself up I will bring myself closer to my sweet boy. I will bring myself closer to God. 

{Holland}

Five weeks ago my husband and I started going to a support group called HEAL. For anyone who has had a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant pass away I highly recommended a support group. It has  been so wonderful talking to others...sharing our stories...and realizing we are not alone in our journey. We have met some wonderful friends and cannot imagine where we would be right now without our group.

Each week the leader of our group shares a story, a poem or some sort of writing. This weeks I thought was very suiting for the journey that my family and I have started and I thought I would share it. It was from the Rocky Mountain News, October 29, 1990. It is a very unique way of explaining what this journey is like. I hope you enjoy.


Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience, to help others understand it, to imagine how it would feel. Well, it's like this...

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks, and you make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, Michelangelo's David, the gondolas in Venice. You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags, and off you go. Several hours later, the plane is preparing to land. And as the plane is landing, the pilot makes an announcement: "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?!" you say. "What do you mean, Holland? I signed up to go to Italy! All of my life I've dreamed of going to Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy!"

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've taken you to Holland, and there you must stay. The important thing, however, is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met.

It's really just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there a while, you'll catch your breath. And then you'll look around you and notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandt's.

But everyone you know is busy going to and from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful place it is. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. Italy is what I had planned."

The pain of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special and very lovely things about Holland.




Such a beautiful way to look at our "new" life.

{Big Sis}

 Sibling love.

Honestly, I was so excited to see how Averee and Reid would grow together. To see them be there for one another...help each other out. It has weighed so heavy on my heart that Averee and Reid will not get to experience this sibling relationship...one I so wanted for both of them.

But do you want to know what? Even though Reid is not here on earth their relationship seems to be thriving. Averee loves to talk to her baby brother and yesterday she did just that. She looked right up to the sky (as she always does when she talks to him) and just started talking.

There is so much wrong with these photos (i.e. the up the nose shot!) but at the same time so much that is right. This is a moment that I will be able to show Averee one day...show her how much she has always loved her brother :).

Play time!