That's how long it's been since my world change.
366 days ago I was blissfully ignorant. I was hopefully. I believe that my Christmas miracle would come.
366 days ago I prayed over my belly. I hoped that the stress of the last 3 months would be for nothing. I hoped that I would get to hold my baby safely in my arms.
The last 365 days have been filled with more emotions then I knew were possible.
I have been sad. Sad for myself. Sad for my husband and my daughter. Sad for my little boy who didn't get to stay.
I have been happy. Happy for the blessings I have been given. Happy for the way my daughter loves her baby brother. Happy for my family and friends who have stood by our sides and loved us unconditionally.
I have been angry. Angry for losing my son. Angry that I couldn't fix him. Angry that I couldn't protect him.
I've been grateful. Grateful for the 4 days my boy was on this earth. Grateful that our sweet and loving God allowed him to go to his everlasting home. Grateful that my son does not have to feel any more pain.
I feel broken. I carry around a broken heart...Every...Single...Day. A piece of my heart is gone. I can't ever get it back. I don't want it back.
But most of all I feel loved. I feel the bond between my husband, between my daughter, between my son and between me. Our souls are forever connected. I feel the love of God. I feel the love that God really did give us our Christmas Miracle...just not the one we thought we would have. I feel the love that Reid brought to this world. The love that he allowed others to feel...to still feel. He brought a whole new perspective to life. On how to live and how to love.
I miss the days of blissful ignorance. I miss the days before my beautiful nightmare began. But I wouldn't change a minute of it.
I miss you baby boy with my whole soul. Happy First Birthday, Reid!
PS. If you are feeling in a Christmasy giving type mood and are looking for a way to give to someone else we would love for you to make a donation to the NICU at Florida Hospital for Children in memory of Reid Cristan. The beautiful men and women there gave us 4 days with our son and we are forever grateful for that.
beautiful! I couldnt wait to read it. That picture is so precious. I almost bursted out in tears when I saw it on your wall.He certainly is a blessing.
ReplyDeleteThank you Amy :)
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ReplyDeleteHi Michelle,
You crossed my mind today and thought I would check out your blog. What a beautiful entry... I thought you might enjoy this "Happy New Year" I have been sending out to family and friends. God bless your beautiful, sweet family. My prayers are with you all this day :)
-Rachel Fracassi
Another Year Is Dawning
Another year is dawning,
dear Father, let it be
In working or in waiting,
another year with Thee.
Another year of progress,
another year of praise,
Another year of proving
Thy presence all the days.
Another year of mercies,
of faithfulness and grace,
Another year of gladness
in the shining of Thy face;
Another year of leaning
upon Thy loving breast;
Another year of trusting,
of quiet, happy rest.
Another year of service,
of witness for Thy love,
Another year of training
for holier work above.
Another year is dawning,
dear Father, let it be
On earth, or else in Heaven,
another year for Thee.
Words by Frances R. Havergal, 1874.
So beautiful Rachel...Thank you very much...I don't check this blog much but it came on such a perfect day...I really needed it :) I hope you all are well and hope next time we head your way we can catch up and see all of your beautiful babies :)
ReplyDeleteI just found your site. It's beautiful. I'm just in tears reading.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your time with your beautiful son and family. I am so sorry for your loss.
I pray Pray that you are well and have left your site and fb to focus on you and your family. May God bless you and hear your prayers and may your sorrows be lain at the foot of the Cross of our Lord.
I don't even know your name, but found you on pin trying to learn how to make a tutu. (thank you!) I wish I could give you a hug. I will indeed pray that Our Mother Mary keep you.
Hail Mary, full of grace, teh Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of they womb Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen
My husband and I have been thru loss and you can find my story over at spicycatholic.com
Blessings. Victoria
Thank you Victoria for stopping by and taking the time to read our story :) I post more frequently on my photography blog which is www.michellecphoto.com A lot is my clients but I occasionally throw some personal stuff in there :) I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your prayers. Many blessings and prayers to you as well. ~Michelle
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