{Our Boy}: Angel Day

I've been dreading this post....like A LOT.

However, our story...our sweet baby boys story is just not complete without it.

I'm sure there are a lot of grammatical errors...as I'm sure there have been many in my past posts. But this is written from my heart. From my heart to yours, to my daughters, to my sons, to my husband. It is written to anyone who may be suffering. It is written with love. 

December 18, 2011

So we went back to our room and started our routine...pumping, teeth brushing etc etc. And then went to sleep. At 2:30 am the phone rang. It was Reid's nurse.

She said that things weren't going so well. He oxygen levels were dropping and they were unable to stabilize him on the ventilator so they had to switch him to the oscillator.

How could this be??? Just a few hours before he was doing...well. We jumped up and headed up to his room.

He still looked like our little boy. The oscillator made his breathing a little "different" but he was still there. He still was moving around...he still was opening his eyes...and was still maintaining his oxygen saturation...he was still our perfect boy.

After a little while we were beyond tired so we decided to go back and get a little sleep so that we could be rested for the next day.

Just after 7 am Sunday morning Reid's doctor came into our room. Now for a doctor to come all the way down to see us after a 24 hour shift usually is not a good sign. He told us he was very concerned and that Reid was just not doing well.

We got up immediately...got ready and ran upstairs....OK in all fairness my sweet husband pushed me to the elevator. We were both silent. I couldn't see or hear anything around me.

Arriving at his room was awful. Our beautiful, beautiful baby boy was lying there but...he wasn't really there. He was gray. He was not moving...at all. He was not opening his eyes. He oxygen levels were low. His blood pressure was dropping. He looked like all life had left his little body. We cried. I think our minds knew how bad things were but our hearts were just not ready to accept this fate.

Shortly after we arrived Reid's neonatologist for the day came in to talk to us. He decided that the oscillator was definitely not the solution and that they were going to attempt to place him back on the ventilator to see how he would do.

Immediately he looked better. His oxygen levels went up, his color returned. He even started to move around some. Was this our miracle? Was it happening? Were all of our prayers being answered? I was so sure he was going to do it. Reid...my little boy...was going to prove everyone wrong.

Over the last few days our family had made plans to come and visit Reid. Our parents were there, our daughter,  my grandmother, my aunts and my uncle. They all arrived. First, we brought Averee in to see her brother...we spent some time as a family of four. Just us and our babies. It was beautiful. The  NICU's policy, however, is that there are only two people in the room at a time so Ian and I went out to the lobby and Ian, my dear sweet husband, started taking everyone in...one at a time. Averee went home to take a nap.  During this time the EEG tech had arrived to start Reid's first EEG. After a few family visits she had to move the machine around and had all sorts of wires everywhere so we decided it was best for all of us to grab so lunch and then head back up to see our boy. My guardian angel even found us and offered the "rooming in" room to us so that we could be just a few doors down from Reid.

Things were really turning around for us. We could do this!

After lunch I saw a friend in the cafeteria...a perk...if you will...at being hospitalized at your place of employment. The rest of our family headed upstairs. When Ian and I got off the elevator we headed to the doors to go see our baby boy. Walking down the hall towards us we could see our mothers. They were both crying and telling us that we needed to go in NOW.

My heart broke. Before I wheeled through those NICU doors for the last time I knew what we were about to walk in on was going to change us.

Reid's room was full. Full of nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists and even his EEG tech.

The first and only words I heard from his doctor were...."We're going to need a hail mary." Now I may not work in an ICU but I know in medicine that if you need a hail mary....things are at the end. His neo took Ian and I out of the room as the RT started to switch Reid back to the oscillator to see if they could have any better results. His nurses were trying to start more IV lines because they needed to give him more medication. He was receiving blood, TPN, Lipids, multiple pressures, insulin, fluids and to be honest I don't even know what else.

His blood pressure was dropping. His oxygen was dropping. His life here on earth was leaving us.



I tried to compose myself but the tears were flowing. My heart was finally coming to terms with what my mind already knew...He was gone. Our boy was no longer going to be with us.

We still asked the questions though...."Can he come back from this?" The short answer? No.

The next few minutes went by so quickly yet seemed to last forever. We touched our boy as we watched his saturation and blood pressure drop lower....and lower...and lower.

It was time. Time for us, as Reid's parents...his mommy and daddy...to be parents. We had to make the decision that I wish no other parents would ever have to make again. We had to make the decision to stop.

To stop all of the poking, all the medications, all of the machines.

I'm positive the nurses were being helped by angels that day. They were so gentle with our boy. They treated him like their own. The treated him like the little boy he was. They cried.

As they handed my boy to me...I laid him on my chest. I felt his wee little heart beat next to mine. I kissed his beautiful, soft brown hair.  I felt as he took his last breath. I cried.

We all cried. Our family came in to say their goodbyes. My brother in laws arrived and brought our little lady back to say goodbye to her brother.

We spent the next few hours holding our son. Telling him...telling his soul...how much we loved him and how much we wish we could have protected him. We prayed.

We prayed that God would lead Reid to a beautify,l everlasting life. We prayed that his cousin, his grandparents and his great grandparents would be there to greet him. We prayed that Reid knew how much we love him. We prayed for peace.

We still pray. And will continue to pray...for the rest of our lives.