I've been debating whether or not to share this here but for me part of healing is sharing. I think everyone finds a certain way to grieve and I have found comfort knowing that my words have helped others. I cannot thank each person enough who has taken the time to leave a comment, send me an email or who has just simply taken the time to read. I really appreciate it.
This is a letter that I wrote to Reid for the support group that my husband and I have been attending. Honestly, I was terrified to write it and I was even more terrified to share it with my group. But after I felt a sense of calmness within....a sense of peace.
This is one of my favorite photos. One I will cherish forever. (www.michellecphoto.com)
My sweet boy.
You know life is funny. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I knew you were my boy and I knew you were special. I don’t know how to explain it I just knew. And I was so excited. I would have my little boy! Your dad and I struggled with deciding on a name for you. It took us almost 5 whole months but looking back I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are our Reid Andrew...our warrior.
It has been a little over 7 weeks since we first saw your face. So much anxiety and so many emotions lead us to that day. It was the most perfect, most nightmarish day. We were so excited. Our boy....our precious, beautiful baby boy was here. You were seriously the epitome of beautiful. Such full, soft, dark brown hair. Perfectly smooth, ivory skin. The most adorable nose in the whole world and you had the most beautifully, crooked little feet that I have ever seen. It was also the day that we realized all of the unknowns from the last few months were turning into our worst nightmare. You were very, very sick my boy. I longed to hold you, to kiss you, to be with you. When I first saw you I held your hand and you open your eyes. You looked right at me.Right into my heart. We became a part of each other forever at that very moment.
We watched you fight for 4 days. Four glorious days that we were able to share with you. Days that will forever be a part of us.
I think my heart hurts most when your big sister talks about you. She loves you so much Reid and I see so much of you in her. You look just like her and I feel blessed that each time I see her face I see you... Averee loves to pray to you and she tells almost everyone that “Baby Reid is in heaven...with Jesus.” She is proud of you. She is proud to be your big sister and I am proud to be your mother.
You have changed me Reid Andrew and I hope that because of you I will be a better person. Your tiny little life touched so many. You left your perfectly, crooked little footprint on so many hearts.
I often wonder what you would sound like, what your smile would be like, what your favorite color would be. I wonder how my heart would melt the first time you said “I love you Mommy”. I wonder if you would have been stubborn just like your big sister....always fighting for your independence. I wonder if you know how much I love you.
The only question that does not find me is how proud I am to call you my son. I am proud of you and I will always be. I will always be thankful for you.
I struggle with my “new” world. Knowing that I will never get to hold you or kiss you again here on earth. Knowing that I will never be ignorantly blissful again. And I struggle with all those who are still “blissful.” I struggle with all the unanswered questions. With the ache in my heart and when I see the ache in your daddy and your sisters heart. And I struggling knowing that no matter what I do I can’t have you in my arms.
I truly thought I understood what pure, unconditional love felt like before you came into my life but I don’t think anyone can really understand until they have to let go. The day your Daddy and I had to say goodbye...The day we had to give you to the angels was the day I learned the most important lesson of my life. I learned how to be grateful. It is something I thought I had mastered a long time ago but that day I realized that there are so many people who never got to met you, who don’t know the pride of being your mommy, who never get to know the joy of having their own child and who never get to see the amazing power of God. He really blessed us with you. He chose your Daddy and I to be your parents. He chose us to learn about this unconditional love. The kind of love that knows no boundaries. That can move oceans. Can touch hearts. He chose us.
I hear your song often and your sister requests for me to sing her “baby brother’s” song most nights before bed. I miss dancing with you each time it plays. I miss keeping you safe. Feeling your sweet kicks with each sway. Each time I hear your song...it brings me back to you.
One of the gifts we received after you left us was a little wooden heart, with a hole craved out that holds a picture of you. I think that is the best way to put it....You are the hole that is in my heart. A hole that I am grateful for because without it I never would have had you. A hole that I will keep with me forever.
My sweet boy. You will always be a part of our family. A part of our hearts and a part of our soul. You will always be our first boy...our first son. We will carry you with us for the rest of our lives.
I love you Reid Andrew. Forever and for always. Thank you for being my son.