Wednesday, February 15, 2012

{A letter to Reid}

I've been debating whether or not to share this here but for me part of healing is sharing. I think everyone finds a certain way to grieve and I have found comfort knowing that my words have helped others. I cannot thank each person enough who has taken the time to leave a comment, send me an email or who has just simply taken the time to read. I really appreciate it. 

This is a letter that I wrote to Reid for the support group that my husband and I have been attending. Honestly, I was terrified to write it and I was even more terrified to share it with my group. But after I felt a sense of calmness within....a sense of peace. 

This is one of my favorite photos. One I will cherish forever. (www.michellecphoto.com)





Dear Reid,
My sweet boy.
You know life is funny. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I knew you were my boy and I knew you were special. I don’t know how to explain it I just knew. And I was so excited. I would have my little boy! Your dad and I struggled with deciding on a name for you. It took us almost 5 whole months but looking back I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are our Reid Andrew...our warrior. 
It has been a little over 7 weeks since we first saw your face. So much anxiety and so many emotions lead us to that day. It was the most perfect, most nightmarish day. We were so excited. Our boy....our precious, beautiful baby boy was here. You were seriously the epitome of beautiful. Such full, soft, dark brown hair. Perfectly smooth, ivory skin. The most adorable nose in the whole world and you had the most beautifully, crooked little feet that I have ever seen. It was also the day that we realized all of the unknowns from the last few months were turning into our worst nightmare. You were very, very sick my boy. I longed to hold you, to kiss you, to be with you. When I first saw you I held your hand and you open your eyes. You looked right at me.Right into my heart. We became a part of each other forever at that very moment.  
We watched you fight for 4 days. Four glorious days that we were able to share with you. Days that will forever be a part of us. 
I think my heart hurts most when your big sister talks about you. She loves you so much Reid and I see so much of you in her. You look just like her and I feel blessed that each time I see her face I see you... Averee loves to pray to you and she tells almost everyone that “Baby Reid is in heaven...with Jesus.” She is proud of you. She is proud to be your big sister and I am proud to be your mother. 
You have changed me Reid Andrew and I hope that because of you I will be a better person. Your tiny little life touched so many. You left your perfectly, crooked little footprint on so many hearts. 
I often wonder what you would sound like, what your smile would be like, what your favorite color would be. I wonder how my heart would melt the first time you said “I love you Mommy”. I wonder if you would have been stubborn just like your big sister....always fighting for your independence. I wonder if you know how much I love you. 
The only question that does not find me is how proud I am to call you my son. I am proud of you and I will always be. I will always be thankful for you. 
I struggle with my “new” world. Knowing that I will never get to hold you or kiss you again here on earth. Knowing that I will never be ignorantly blissful again. And I struggle with all those who are still “blissful.” I struggle with all the unanswered questions. With the ache in my heart and when I see the ache in your daddy and your sisters heart. And I struggling knowing that no matter what I do I can’t have you in my arms.
I truly thought I understood what pure, unconditional love felt like before you came into my life but I don’t think anyone can really understand until they have to let go. The day your Daddy and I had to say goodbye...The day we had to give you to the angels was the day I learned the most important lesson of my life. I learned how to be grateful. It is something I thought I had mastered a long time ago but that day I realized that there are so many people who never got to met you, who don’t know the pride of being your mommy, who never get to know the joy of having their own child and who never get to see the amazing power of God. He really blessed us with you. He chose your Daddy and I to be your parents. He chose us to learn about this unconditional love. The kind of love that knows no boundaries. That can move oceans. Can touch hearts. He chose us. 
I hear your song often and your sister requests for me to sing her “baby brother’s” song most nights before bed. I miss dancing with you each time it plays. I miss keeping you safe. Feeling your sweet kicks with each sway. Each time I hear your song...it brings me back to you. 
One of the gifts we received after you left us was a little wooden heart, with a hole craved out that holds a picture of you. I think that is the best way to put it....You are the hole that is in my heart. A hole that I am grateful for because without it I never would have had you. A hole that I will keep with me forever. 
My sweet boy. You will always be a part of our family. A part of our hearts and a part of our soul. You will always be our first boy...our first son. We will carry you with us for the rest of our lives.
I love you Reid Andrew. Forever and for always. Thank you for being my son. 
Love,
Mommy

13 comments:

  1. Such a beautiful picture, beautiful letter to baby Reid and beautiful perfect family. I promise your heart will heal in time. Sometimes we don't know why things happen but god has a plan for us all. xoxoox Amy kirsch

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  2. Beautifully written! He was so loved and cherished by so many, you are so very proud and it shows. I can't imagine the pain or grief, but I can see the love your family has for your sweet angel. I think about you and your sweet family often and you are constantly in our prayers.

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  3. So sweet. I know he is smiling in Heaven and thanking God for such a loving mommy, daddy, and big sister. Love you!

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  4. So sweet. I know he is smiling in Heaven and thanking God for such a loving mommy, daddy, and big sister. Love you!

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  5. Marti and Tom LebbanoFebruary 15, 2012 at 2:59 PM

    In that letter I see the Michelle that Tom and I have always known-sweet, strong and so very inciteful. Michelle our hearts go out to you and I sit her in tears. You were blessed to have them time you had. I pray that each day get easier for you and Ian and Avery,
    Love,
    Tom and Marti

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  6. Beautifully written, Michelle, as I sit here with tears running down my face. Reid is one very lucky boy to have such a wonderful and loving mommy like you. I continue to pray for you and your family to find peace within. God Bless.

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  7. I pray that the days will get easier for you and your family. I also have tears as i read this letter. Michelle you and your family are so strong. I don't know your family but with all your letters you have opend my eyes. I respect you as a mom and nurse.

    Love Erin and Aleena

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  8. Michelle, exquisite letter. I would love to talk to you about it one day soon. Reading it makes it so fresh for me although it has been 24 years. Love you. Tina.

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  9. Michelle,

    That is the most beautiful letter I have ever read. What a blessed little boy he is to have had you for his mommy.

    Carol DeLaGarza

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  10. Michelle- what a fabulously moving letter! My heart breaks for three of you and what you must be going through! I am proud to count Reid as a part of our family and we are very blessed to have you as his mother! We love you and if there's ever anything.... Anything at all.... :-)

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  11. Such a wonderful precious letter. How lucky your son is to have a mommy that continuously talks to and about him. And with such beauty. God Bless

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  12. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have met your sweet little boy. Thank you for sharing this letter, Michelle. Love you lots! -T

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  13. Michelle,

    I am at a loss for words for how you must feel & what you must be going through. I have thought of you often & prayed for you & your family. While I will never understand why even though you & I have never been especially close, I had a dream about you & Reid the day after he was born, he was glowing, a perfect light around him, like it emanated from his core, but you looked lost & empty, it woke me from my sleep & troubled me all day. I think it was a reminder, for I have been & am going through a mountain of my own problems, that God is here, everywhere, watching and taking those he needs to be his angels in heaven. I am sorry for your loss, I am sorry for your family, but in my heart I know you have given your son so that he will be able to remind everyone to love deeply, try not to sweat the little things, and remember that it is those around us that matter, not the things we have, or anything material.

    ~Robin

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