One year. 365 days. 525,600 minutes.
That's how long it's been since my world change.
366 days ago I was blissfully ignorant. I was hopefully. I believe that my Christmas miracle would come.
366 days ago I prayed over my belly. I hoped that the stress of the last 3 months would be for nothing. I hoped that I would get to hold my baby safely in my arms.
The last 365 days have been filled with more emotions then I knew were possible.
I have been sad. Sad for myself. Sad for my husband and my daughter. Sad for my little boy who didn't get to stay.
I have been happy. Happy for the blessings I have been given. Happy for the way my daughter loves her baby brother. Happy for my family and friends who have stood by our sides and loved us unconditionally.
I have been angry. Angry for losing my son. Angry that I couldn't fix him. Angry that I couldn't protect him.
I've been grateful. Grateful for the 4 days my boy was on this earth. Grateful that our sweet and loving God allowed him to go to his everlasting home. Grateful that my son does not have to feel any more pain.
I feel broken. I carry around a broken heart...Every...Single...Day. A piece of my heart is gone. I can't ever get it back. I don't want it back.
But most of all I feel loved. I feel the bond between my husband, between my daughter, between my son and between me. Our souls are forever connected. I feel the love of God. I feel the love that God really did give us our Christmas Miracle...just not the one we thought we would have. I feel the love that Reid brought to this world. The love that he allowed others to feel...to still feel. He brought a whole new perspective to life. On how to live and how to love.
I miss the days of blissful ignorance. I miss the days before my beautiful nightmare began. But I wouldn't change a minute of it.
I miss you baby boy with my whole soul. Happy First Birthday, Reid!
PS. If you are feeling in a Christmasy giving type mood and are looking for a way to give to someone else we would love for you to make a donation to the NICU at Florida Hospital for Children in memory of Reid Cristan. The beautiful men and women there gave us 4 days with our son and we are forever grateful for that.