You see, over the last 6 months we have been searching. Vigorously doing research, consulting with doctor after doctor after doctor....searching for an answer as to what was going on with our son.
There was never an answer. And there still is not an answer.
The doctors believe it is possible that it is genetic. That my husband and I may be carries of some rare disorder. They also believe that it is possible that it is not. But they also believe that they can't piece it all together and that there is no way to actually test my husband and me and that even if they did it is possible that this disorder, if it is what Reid had, just randomly happened.
They have no way to give us answers.
They have no way to calm our fears that our daughter might have to experience something like this.
They have no way to help us decide if we should have more children or not.
They have no way to give us peace.
I wish that I could say that I fully understand that God has a plan for our family...but I don't.
I ask Him often...why us? What makes us so unique...so important that we have to experience life without our son. I ask Him often why he allowed me to do it all "right" yet still end up with a sick child. I ask Him why a lot.
I think we will always kind of stay in this state of limbo...unsure of how to travel this world now. I do know that I will continue to look to God for guidance. He obviously had the faith in our family to take this journey so I feel it is important for me to share my gratitude for Him.
I know that we will never have our answers. But I know that God will lead us, as long as we ask him to, towards the peace that we are so desperately searching for.
PS It's the perfect moments like this that give me faith.
Photo: Michelle C. Photo