Today...my son. My beautiful, angel son should be four weeks.
And technically...I should still be pregnant.
I know....shoulda, coulda, woulda.
It is weird how my life has changed so much in four weeks. Sometimes I feel like I am dreaming and that any moment I will wake up with my baby safely in my arms. Sometimes I am so obsessed with "what went wrong" that I cannot focus on anything else. Sometimes I am sad as I think of what life could be like with Reid here. Sometimes I worry that my usually, happy, carefree self will never return. Most of all I miss my ignorant bliss. You know...that state of mind where bad things can never happen to you.
(This is what ignorant bliss looks like. Our little lady when she was 4 weeks old. Her brother looked just like her.)
I think one of the hardest things I struggle with is that since September 2, 2011...that day when my whole world changed...we have never found answers to the "what, how, why." We still don't know what caused things to go so terribly wrong. We still don't know why Reid's wee little body failed him. And we might never know.
A lot of people have so kindly told me how brave I am for sharing my story and I appreciate it so much but really I'm not brave. You see I'm not one for talking about my feelings...I never really have and probably never will be. This is my way of expressing myself and my way of hoping that my story can help someone else who might have to endure this awful heart wrenching pain. This is my way.
I have realized through all this that that proverb "It takes a whole village to raise a child" is actually more true of my life now except for it goes more like "It takes a whole world to pick you up when your whole world has crashed down."
We are blessed...we have an amazing family who has stood by our side and I know will continue. We have amazing friends. We even received a couple of beautiful, wonderful gifts this week from a couple of my sorority sisters. "Sisters" that I haven't really spoken to very much over the last few years but sisters who took their time to send us a little something...sisters who I feel so much closer too just for showing that they care.
We have also been blessed with others who have shared their stories with us. Friends of ours who we had no idea were part of this "club" until now. Friends who when they tell us they know how we feel we cry because we know unfortunately they do.
So today...my ignorantly blissful friends (and I mean that with love...I wish I still was)...please remember how lucky you are. Tell someone you love that you love them...kiss your child one extra time. Just be.
Today...and everyday I remember my Reid. My boy. My son.